How to Cope with a Negative Teenager: Timely Advice

Here are 7 things you can do as a parent when your child is being negative and it’s pushing all of your buttons.

1. Don’t try to turn your child into something she’s not. As a parent, you might feel you’re responsible for how your child feels and behaves. If so, the choices she makes will feel very personal to you. You’ll find yourself trying to turn her into a positive person, a “Negative Nancy” into the proverbial “Sally Sunshine.” The result? She’ll work all the harder to resist you. This will cause you to push harder, creating more and more reactivity and negativity between the two of you. Remember, you’re not responsible for the choices your child makes about her attitudes or behaviors. Instead, you’re responsible for how yourespond to these attitudes and behaviors.

2. Try to be nonjudgmental. As hard as it is, try not to be judgmental, critical, or defensive. So if your child says, “This food is gross,” don’t react by saying, “Why are you always so negative about everything? The least you could do is say thank you!” Instead, say something like, “Hmmm, I’m sorry you don’t like it,” or “Too bad you find it so unappealing,” or simply, “Oh.” Nothing more needs to be said.

Related: Why it’s better to take charge rather than try to take control as a parent.

3. Don’t personalize it. Try as hard as you can not to personalize your child’s negative attitude and constant complaining. Have a slogan in your head that helps you ignore some of his negative remarks. Try repeating the following to yourself: “It’s nothing personal and nothing to worry about. These are just feelings.”

4. Be direct. If your child launches into a venting session when you’re stressed out or in the middle of something,be clear and direct. You can say, “Sorry, but I’m not up for listening to this right now. Why don’t you save it for later, when I can focus on what you’re telling me?” That way, if your child really needs a sounding board and isn’t simply complaining for the sake of complaining, you’ll be able to give him your full attention and listen to what’s on his mind. (And maybe by that time, he’ll have worked through it on his own. In this way, your child will learn to rely on himself to calm his anxieties.)

5. Reflect but don’t react. If your child always has something negative to say, you can go with it without agreeing with him. If he says “It would have been a good day if I’d gotten a home run during recess,” you can say, “Yeah, really just to have that one extra thing, that would have made it better for you, huh?” Instead of trying to negate his negativity, listen to it and let it go. When your child is critical of something and then you’re critical of him being critical, it just adds to the cycle. Often we don’t hear ourselves complaining about our kids and we just pile it on. So try to be nonjudgmental about it.

6. Put a time limit on complaints. If your child is really a chronic complainer, you might consider putting a time limit on him.When your child launches into a complaining session, listen to what his beef is and then let him let him know he only has a few more minutes. You can say, “Okay Jackson, two more minutes to talk about how you hate math, and then we’re done with this subject today. I can’t hear anymore.” You can also establish a complaint time as James Lehman advises in The Total Transformation Program . Set aside a time each day, like after dinner, when your child has 10 minutes to complain about everything that’s bothering him. Limit it to that time of day and that amount of time. If he forgets and starts being critical about something, just remind him that he can tell you all about it at complaint time that night. You can also give him a journal in which he can write everything down. Another idea is to give your child five “complaint tickets” per day that he can use at any time. Each one is good for one complaint, but after the five are used up, no more. (This works well for younger kids.)

Related: How to give consequences that work.

7. Give honest feedback. Your ultimate goal is to let your child be who he is, but also to let him know that his attitude does have an impact. Giving him honest feedback is one of the best ways to set your own boundaries while respecting his. When he’s going on and on about something or someone, you can say, for example, “When I’m hearing too much of your criticisms and complaints, I find myself tuning it out.” You could also try saying something like, “Hey, I think I need to hear a few more positives right now because I’m getting zapped.

Generally when you give authentic feedback, you’re just letting your child know that what he’s doing is not working for you right now. Again, simply complaining about his negativity is not necessarily going to be helpful. Instead, you need to be honest about it and let your child know what you’re feeling about the impact of moods, attitudes and words. That’s about you expressingyou—not you criticizing him.

Related: How to avoid getting entangled in your child’s emotions—and parent more objectively and effectively.

A final piece of advice: When dealing with your negative child, be counter-intuitive.Again,while the goal of helping your child be a more positive person is a good one, trying to make him be one will backfire.Instead, do what is counter-intuitive: accept his negative feelings. His feelings are separate from you, so allow them without “futurizing” and personalizing and getting entangled. Don’t let your own anxiety about your child interfere. Rather, listen without criticism.Stand next to him, not joined to him. Only then will he stop being compelled to use his energy to fight you or defend himself from your criticism. With your acceptance, he’ll be free to begin thinking about how he wants to change and grow.

Excerpted from: http://www.empoweringparents.com/how-to-handle-your-negative-complaining-child-or-teen.php#

 

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How to Say NO

 

Know Your No

Identify what’s important to you and acknowledge what’s not. If you don’t know where you want to spend your time, you won’t know where you don’t want to spend your time. Before you can say no with confidence, you have to be clear that you want to say no. All the other steps follow this one.

Be Appreciative

It’s almost never an insult when people make requests of you. They’re asking for your help because they trust you and they believe in your capabilities to help. So thank them for thinking of you or making the request/invitation. Don’t worry; this doesn’t need to lead to a yes.

Say No to the Request, Not the Person

You’re not rejecting the person, just declining his invitation. So make that clear. Let him know what you respect about him—maybe you admire the work he’s doing, or recognize his passion or generosity. Maybe you would love to meet for lunch. Don’t fake this—even if you don’t like the person making the request, simply being polite and kind will communicate that you aren’t rejecting him.

Explain Why

The particulars of your reason for saying no make very little difference. But having a reason does. Maybe you’re too busy. Maybe you don’t feel like what they’re asking you to do plays to your strengths. Be honest about why you’re saying no.

Be as Resolute as They are Pushy

Some people don’t give up easily. That’s their prerogative. But without violating any of the rules above, give yourself permission to be just as pushy as they are. They’ll respect you for it. You can make light of it if you want (“I know you don’t give up easily – but neither do I. I’m getting better at saying no.”)

Practice

Choose some easy, low-risk situations in which to practice saying no. Say no when a waiter offers you dessert. Say no when someone tries to sell you something on the street. Go into a room by yourself, shut the door, and say no out loud ten times. It sounds crazy, but building your no muscle helps.

Establish a Pre-Emptive No

We all have certain people in our lives who tend to make repeated, sometimes burdensome requests of us. In those cases, it’s better to say no before the request even comes in. Let that person know that you’re hyper-focused on a couple of things in your life and trying to reduce your obligations in all other areas. If it’s your boss who tends to make the requests, agree upfront with her about where you should be spending your time. Then, when the requests come in, you can refer to your earlier conversation.

Be Prepared to Miss Out

Some of us have a hard time saying no because we hate to miss an opportunity. And saying no always leads to a missed opportunity. But it’s not just a missed opportunity; it’s a tradeoff. Remind yourself that when you’re saying no to the request, you are simultaneously saying yes to something you value more than the request. Both are opportunities. You’re just choosing one over the other.

Gather Your Courage

If you’re someone who is used to saying yes, it will take courage to say no, especially if the person asking doesn’t give up easily. You may feel like a bad friend. You might feel like you’re letting someone down or not living up to expectations. Maybe you’ll imagine that you’ll be seen or talked about in a negative light. Those things might be the cost of reclaiming your life. You’ll need courage to put up with them.

After Irene tried these practices she started working less and spending more time with her kids. She’s still doing great work and she’s still valued by her boss and co-workers, but they’ve noticed the difference too, she told me. And not all of it is positive. They’re respecting her boundaries—they don’t even seem to resent her for them—but she’s had to give up something she never knew was important to her: her sense of herself as someone who could do it all. It’s been hard for her to feel as valued and necessary as she did when she always said yes.

“Would you rather go back to saying yes all the time?” I asked her.

She answered me with a very well-practiced “No.”

Excerpted from Life Hacker: http://lifehacker.com/5984918/nine-practices-to-help-you-say-no-without-feeling-like-a-jerk

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Homemade Dish Detergent – Epic Fail :-(

I was so sure this going to be a success story…but alas, a cloudy film on all the dishes and glasses made this one a no-go.

Here’s what I did. I found a recipe for homemade dry dish detergent here: http://www.stacymakescents.com/homemade-dishwasher-detergent

But I thought that having those nice little cubes (like Cascade comes in) would be even better. So I mixed up a batch with some boiled water (in place of distilled) and then poured it into a silicon mold to make cubes.

Ingredients: Homemade Dish Detergent

 

I had a bit of surprise when I added the hot water. The whole thing foamed like mad.

Foaming Washing SodaI let that settle down and poured into the mold.

Homemade Dish DetergentIt only took a day to dry, then:

Homemade Dish DetergentI was so proud of them, popped them into the washer and let it run! At first I thought it was ok, dishes were clean, glasses were ok. But then the second load…

Cloudy Glasses - Hard WaterI also discovered, when I “ran the numbers” that I was only saving 7 cents per wash over the cost of the Cascasde “pods” that I love. So, as my gamer-son would say “epic fail.” However, making them was fun, and a learning experience.

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If you’ve got suggestions or recommendations on how to make this project work, let me know by replying below.

Thanks!

 

 

Easiest Homemade Laundry Detergent

Lately I’ve been on a DIY kick and have been trying all kinds of home recipes for things, like Homemade Liquid Laundry Detergent. And, I finally got a good soy yogurt recipe! more on that later.

So a few weeks ago, I decided to try making my own laundry detergent. I found some really cool looking pictures on Pinterest, but many of the recipes were far too complicated for me. I tend to be fairly lazy about things. I’ll do something complicated once (or a few times), but if it’s going  to become part of my routine, it HAS to be EASY.

Homemade Laundry Detergent Ingredients
Inexpensive and easy-to-find ingredients to make your own liquid laundry detergent.

Ok, so here goes. The basic proportions are from a recipe I found here: http://mymerrymessylife.com/2012/03/diy-homemade-laundry-detergent-cheap-and-green-free-printable-2.html

Because I wasn’t sure how my sensitive-skinned family would react, I made a much smaller first batch:

1/3 cup peppermint castile soap (can be any scent you like.)
1/4 cup washing soda
1/3 cup borax
1 gallon water

Mix it up (disolve dry ingredients in warm water before adding castile soap).

This yields a very mild and effective laundry detergent.

And here’s what I found when I “ran the numbers.”

ScreenShot815$1.75 to make a gallon of detergent, which comes out to about 2 cents per load of laundry at 1/3 cup of detergent per wash. Compared to Liquid Tide, which comes out to about 65 cents per load. Is it a huge savings, 62 cents per load? Well, not much until you add up a whole year worth of laundry for a family of four or more…

And it’s easy to do, with inexpensive, easy to find ingredients. No muss, no fuss, easy to mix, easy to use. I’m keeping it.

 

 

 

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How to Divide Siberian Iris

The other day I wrote a post about knowing when to split Siberian Iris. So today, here’s a little photo-journal of me dividing Siberian Iris.

Turns out that there are 3 bunches that should really be split, but 2 of them seemed to be more grown  in than the other and I was worried that disturbing the ones that are grown in would impact their ability to bloom for the season. So I split one batch and will leave the other two for Fall.

Digging up Siberian IrisI dug up the whole bunch and then used my handy-dandy soil knife to split the bunch into smaller bundles.

Based on the information from the UMN extension center site, I kept at least 6 growing points in each bunch with adequate roots. Because they also emphasize keeping them moist, I put them into a trug of water while I was preparing the soil at their new sites.

Siberian Iris divided

Then I dug some holes in a few empty spots in my garden bed, plopped in the newly split iris clumps, filled in the soil and watered thoroughly.

Divide Siberian IrisYes, I know the garden bed is a mess… it had not yet been raked out and prepared for fresh mulch. It’s looking a bit better now. It’s been raked, but new mulch has not been put down yet. Surrounding the iris are the day-lilies that are starting to come up.

 

In search of the best Homemade Soy Yogurt

I have a sensitivity to cow’s milk. Goat’s milk yogurt (which I love) costs a fortune. Soy yogurt just does not have the creamy consistency I like. So, I set out to make soy yogurt I could like at home.

(photo: http://www.bryannaclarkgrogan.com/page/page/1999382.htm, a good tapio-gurt recipe)

I actually started this project last year, but unfortunately didn’t keep my recipe. I do remember that to get the nice creamy consistency, I had to go the extra step of straining the yogurt overnight through a coffee filter. I also always use a thick, greek-style cow’s milk starter and not soy milk.

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Personalized Search – Turn it OFF

I love Google, I really do. I have and frequently use several of their tools and rely on them for keeping my business and personal life organized. However, as an SEO professional/internet marketer, I find nothing more annoying than having my search results be based on my personal search history.

Now, on their answer page about it, they say you can simply click the setting that says: Disable customizations based on search activity Yet, I cannot find that option anywhere on the page. I also don’t want to delete all my search history (which apparently is another way to do it) because I USE the search history to refer back to websites I’ve found and research I’ve done.

They say you can disable personalized search by signing out of your google account, well yes, that’s true, but it also means you will have signed out of Gmail, calendar, docs, etc. so if you have those pages open a the same time, they will no longer work.

I did find a site that tells you how to disable personalized search by adding a parameter to your search results (&pws=0). He also has instructions on how to do it with several browsers.

So, if you want to see the “real deal” when you are searching and not results based on previous websites you’ve visited, disable personalized search. I think I may do a How To at Hubpages on this.

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Homeschool Research in retrospect

I realize now that I should have been writing blog posts all along the way as I researched and investigated homeschooling. Because now that we are on the verge of implementing my son’s decision to attend High School rather than Homeschool, all the information I gathered is beginning to ferment in my mind and isn’t as fresh and interesting as it was when I began.

Here are some of the resources that I found VERY helpful in my research (in no particular order):

http://www.cthomeschoolnetwork.org/CtLaw-StateLaw.htm

http://www.thinkfinity.org/state-standards-search

http://www.teachervision.fen.com/tv/grades/109/109

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